Guess what?

I wanna die.

What's the best way to die?

I'll eat my heart out before going to sleep. Maybe that way, an invisible man as big and heavy as a sumo wrestler will sit on my chest disabling me to breathe.

Or maybe I'll try to drive and counter flow along Commonwealth Ave. Sure way to die, perhaps.

Or maybe I'll overdose myself with all the available drugs in our house. From dietary supplements to paracetamol to whatever.

Or maybe I'll try and stick out my fingers to the electrical socket with my hands wet.

Or maybe I'll cut my wrist with rusty blade.

Or maybe I'll drink a disinfectant.

Or maybe 

Fuck. Can't I just die? Die without even trying? Die now?



So one of my aunts sent our happy little family this wonderful stir-fry dish. Guess what this is...

(Oh sorry for the poor photo quality)
It's actually salagubang (scarab), stripped of its wings (how they did it, I know not), and stir-fried.

And, no, it's not delicious.

Maybe we'll just give it to papa's drinking buddies. Pulutan baga.

Good thing she also sent us chocolate drink and bico.

Hmmm... Yum yum!


When I'm bored, I'm bored

and I daydream.

I daydream of being a celebrity, not necessarily an actress, but most of the time a singer. And I practice how will I sign if someone asks me for an autograph.

That's Bern with a star for 'ya.


Money minded moguls

Fuck 'em.

The more money they have, the more broken we become.

Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em.


Reminiscent of Ketsana

It has been two years.

The scene was almost the same as it is now. The sky is dark the whole day; the rain is falling non-stop outdoors; the cold makes one wanna curl up in bed. The only difference? There are no dramatic news coverage of floods in the Metro.

I wasn't directly affected two years back. I was inside our house watching the TV while rolled up under the sheets. Thus, my insensitivity. I laughed at my college blockmates who were stranded in UP. I laughed at my friends who swam their way home from EspaƱa. I laughed at my cousin who stayed a whole night on their rooftop. Yes, I was THAT insensitive. Laughing my ass off while people were suffering from Ondoy (international codename: Typhoon Ketsana).

It just hit me when I actually saw the aftermath.

I hope nothing like the tragedy of Ondoy will happen again this year. Or at least, Pedring be a little bit more gentle than his brother.


Festivals and condolences

Today is the Feast of San Lorenzo Ruiz de Manila, the "patron saint" of the parish inside our subdivision.

All of our neighbors are out to watch the parade and yes, they're all in festive mood.

Of course, our family also tried to be in a festive mood. Went to the wet market early in the morning for the food preps; cooked pancit, papaitan, and BBQ; bought two 750ml(?) bottles of Emperador for the boys (sucks being their only "princess," No you're not allowed to drink, little girl!); and put the speakers up to the highest volume (my brother loves his Missy Eliot's and Jessie J's).

But, well, you can't really be in a festive mood if one of your relatives had just died, right?

Last night, we received a message from our cousin who's in Cagayan saying that our Mother Asing died. Mother Asing is our eldest relative on my mother's side. Vague memories of her suddenly flashed back on my mind. I remember her whipping my butt whenever I get too close to the well near her house. I remember her giving me boxes of Marie Biscuits as pasalubong. I remember her telling me to stop running around the compound whenever nightfall strikes else, the aswangs will come and get me. I remember the Mother Asing who's strong enough to run after us, the naughty children. I remember the Mother Asing who's healthy enough to be able to do her own laundry.

I had never seen her sick.


Maybe I just don't REMEMBER her sick.

I've never seen her since the last time I went to Cagayan, which was about a decade ago. I just hear things about her through our cousins in Cagayan every now and then.

But still, I miss her seemingly unlimited stocks of Marie Biscuits.

I kinda miss her.


My mom and my tita won't allow us to be too festive today. Respeto daw sa patay.

Maybe I'll just let the boys drink to that.



Congratulate me! I just finished reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

Actually, I bought this copy when I was still in 3rd year high school. I dunno why it took me almost 4 years to finish reading it. Hmm... Maybe because Shelley's language here was the kind of English that'll make someone curl up on her bed and sleep tight. See, on my first attempt to read it, I only finished halfway through the first chapter, then I felt drowsy. My second attempt, my head ached so much because I had to read a paragraph a couple of times just to have a full comprehension of it. After that, I almost forgot that I haven't finished reading this one yet. So when I 'rediscovered' this on my bookshelf some weeks ago, I had to read it again from the beginning. 

So if you haven't read this yet, but is interested in doing so, I recommend that you read this when you're in the mood for comprehending 19th century English.

Also, stop reading this if you don't want even the slightest spoilers. :)

Frankenstein is a very clever mix of science fiction, horror, and romance. Victor Frankenstein's work on his artificial life experiment excited me; the monstrous creature's narrative about De Lacey's family broke my heart; Victor's profound love for Elizabeth moved me; the deaths of Victor's loved ones made me cry; and the wrath that the creature had created fury inside of me, but his repentance just made me cry once more.

I actually had seen myself through Frankenstein's and his creature's life. Like Frankenstein, I also have very big ambitions in the field that I am into now. I want to have a big name in science, though I am not sure of the consequences my 'future discoveries' (if there'll be any) will bring. Like the monstrous creature, I also question mankind's culture to judge one person just by the way he/she looks. Being a long-time wallflower myself, I envy those who gain friends and love just because of their Venus-like or Adonis-like features. I share the same sentiment, though on a different level, as the creature.

When I still haven't read this novel, I thought that Frankenstein is the name of the monstrous creature. So when I was reading, I actually in a search for the creature's name. Shelley NEVER gave a name for the creature, but why are many people attaching the name 'Frankenstein' to the monster? I think, it's because Frankenstein himself IS a monster. Not by form, but by personality. He became wretched because of too much ambition.

This novel also made me think about most people's belief in the 'Creator'. While reading the book, I was actually thinking to myself, "Does God feel the same way as Dr. Frankenstein? God created ALL human beings, yet He seem to dislike the gays, the lesbians, the transgenders. God gave ALL human beings free will, yet He seem to hate people who does not submit to Him. God created Satan, yet He cannot forgive the fallen angel." The God described in the Bible, it seemed to me, is like Dr. Frankenstein in the novel. After giving life, they both caused misery to their creations just because they both hated the imperfections of their creations. Why haven't they destroyed their creations before giving them life in the first place? Could a God, who is like Frankenstein, exist?

Sorry for being a bit atheistic there.

Though Frankenstein may get your nose bleeding from its syntax, this is definitely a page-turner. I absolutely love Mary Shelley's absurd imagination.

But, the only thing I dislike from it is the way it seemed to go against a man having an great ambition. As Victor Frankenstein said (which seemed to me to be the main theme of Victor's narrative):
"Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the aqcuirement of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than his nature will allow."
It seemed to me that Shelley was against people who try to acquire grater knowledge on science. Was it because of the Catholic Church's dominating power during her time? Was she afraid to be doomed an anti-Christ during her time? Was she afraid to willingly accept the greatness that science can bring to humankind? I wonder, if she were to be alive today, what could be her thoughts on human cloning? Or on cell regeneretion studies? Or on modern people's search on living forever young?

Frankenstein, though its plot may not be as flawless as other novels I have already read, actually gives its readers points to ponder regarding their beliefs, their ambitions, and their way of living.


We finally had our own version of Pumped Up Kicks

Robert's got a quick hand He'll look around the room He won't tell you his plan He's got a rolled cigarette hanging out his mouth He's a cowboy kid Yeah, he found a six-shooter gun In his dad's closet hidden in a box of fun things And I don't even know what But he's coming for you, yeah, he's coming for you

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet

Daddy works a long day He be coming home late, yeah, he's coming home late And he's bringing me a surprise Because dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice I've waited for a long time Yeah, the slight of my hand is now a quick pull trigger I reason with my cigarette And say your hair's on fire You must have lost your wits, yeah

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up kicks You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet

The first time I got to comprehend the song lyrics, I told myself that we're quite a lucky country for I haven't heard a news yet back then about teenagers shooting another teenager.

And then came this news item yesterday. It was quite scary to think that the 13-year-old guy got a gun with him, without even the security at SM Pampanga detecting it.

Heck, when I was thirteen, toy guns weren't even allowed in our community!


"They're really bored in Congress, huh." (King DJ Logan, 2011)

September 20th, 2011
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the Philippines in Congress assembled:
SECTION 1. This Act shall be known as the “Anti-Planking Act of 2011”.
SEC. 2. A universal Code of Student Conduct is hereby prescribed where planking as a form of redress of grievance be strictly prohibited and appropriate sanctions be applied for violations thereof.
SEC. 3. Under this Act, planking is when a student or group of students lies face down in unusual locations especially in streets or other public places, keeping the hands along the body and the feet outstretched and especially where such act is meant as a form of redress of grievance against government.
SEC. 4 Every bonafide student from any school, college or university shall conduct himself with high degree of discipline and propriety.
SEC. 5. The Department of Education in the case of elementary and high school students and the Commission on Higher Education in the case of college students shall draft a universal Code of Student Conduct to carry out the provisions of this Act.
Further, DepEd and CHED, respectively shall issue appropriate rules and regulations to effectively carry out intent and purpose of this Act.
SEC. 6. This Act shall take effect ninety (90) days after its publication in the Official Gazette and in at least three (3) newspapers of general circulation.

(Source: Representative Winnie Castello's website)


I swear, I would never be a congressman or I'll be as bored as hell as Rep. Castello.

And what did she think about the Congress? A mere showroom where she can just author oh-so-dumdum bills? Wtf.

Utterly useless bill.


UP Pep Squad bags it all

September 17, 2011---The University of the Philippines Pep Squad bagged all the awards in the 2011 UAAP Cheerdance Competition held at Araneta Colosseum.


This ain't a news article, Bern.

Yeah, so yesterday was one of the few days that UP shows that it also has its school spirit. Obviously, we don't have that in basketball competitions, or any other events in the UAAP. Only in the CDC.

I LOVE the Madonna concept! It was really a Back-to-Back-to-black performance. Pretty sure that they'll gonna set another trend for the UAAP CDC. (What's the next hair dye for next year, red? Yellow? Blue?) And UP got all the top awards. (Need I say more?)

Though I still think that the Salinggawi Dance Troupe deserved at least a spot in the Top 3. And why weren't they even a part of the newly launched-group stunts competition? Why? And why La Salle? I can't even---

I was with my cousin yesterday to watch it live in Araneta. And, I swear, I'll never gonna watch CDC in the GenAd ever again, at least not with the UP crowd, or I'll get deaf. Especially when they weren't cheering for the Pep to win, but they were cheering for the Salinggawi to lose. A repeat crowd performance I've first seen firsthand back in 2009.

Anyway, yesterday's event makes me a proud Iska more. Congratulations, UP Pep Squad! :)


Beckys on Binibining Pilipinas-Universe next year? Why not?

Filipinos really love humor.

As the 2011 Miss Universe Pageant came to a conclusion (Ms. Angola being crowned Miss Universe 2011), another viral video were made by the *drum roll* BECKYS.  These gay people just love to make people laugh hard by making spoofs of beauty pageants.

Their latest? Ms. Shamcey Supsup's Q&A portion:

I just ROFL when I watched this one. Though, I didn't understand a single word the two beckys had spoken. Haha. (Becky, by the way, is the Filipino slang word for bakla, or gay).

Anyway, watching this video made me reminisce our high school kalokohan.

Michaela Soriano
Jessamimi Muntinlupa
Photos stolen from my former classmate's Facebook account. Heh.

These are two of my guy classmates during high school. Yes, they are guys, I have no doubt about that. And, of course, those names are not their real names. So why were they dressed like that?

One boring Saturday afternoon in 2008, a group of kids were staying inside their classmate's (Michaela's) house. They were so tired during that time because they were practicing their Jingle-and-Rap piece the whole morning. One of them played the song Lady Marmalde on the CD player. A few moments later, the boys in the group started to make their own "Fashion Show." They dressed up their selves using Michaela's sister's clothes and acted like gays. Then someone from the group shouted, "And the winner is..." POOF!!! Another idea was created to ease their boredom! MS. CHUVA EK-EK 2008 PAGEANT was born! (There were actually four of the boys who joined that made-up pageant. I just can't find photos of the other two.)

'Twas really just a spur of the moment. Haha. Since then, I started to believe that bored minds can create the most creative ideas! :)

My favorite part of that pageant? The question and answer portion:
Question: If you were given a chance to become a woman, who do you want to be and why?
 Jessamimi Muntinlupa: Mariko Ogawa (our 5'5" plump classmate). Why? Because she is BIG!
Michaela Soriano: Jamaica Chavez (our boyish classmate). Why? Because I want to have muscles.
Antonette Carolina: Virgin Mary. Because I'm a virgin.
Jana Marca Remandabana: Julie Dongon (our classmate with huge frontal teeth). Why? Just look at her teeth!
Antonette Carolina won the pageant.

And, no, there was no swimsuit competition.


Books again?!?

My original plan to go to SMX yesterday for the Visprint's WIT was kinda demoted to going to SM Fairview by myself. Oh, such a lonely girl I am! (Papa didn't allow me to go to SMX by myself, but he doesn't want to go with me. Most of my friends were busy, if not, they haven't replied to me.)

I really had nothing to do there, I just wanna go out of the house and have time to be lax. So I just brought my laptop and took advantage of the free Wi-Fi. Spammed my other blogspot with some poems, customized this and that's theme, chatted with elementary school friends over Facebook, read some blogs. Until my laptop's battery got drained. Heh.

Since I can't use my laptop anymore, I visited my favorite store in SM: Booksale. (Call me a geek.) After about two hours rummaging through the shelves, I found some interesting books.

All these for less than P200

  • Kathleen O'neal Gear & Michael Gear's The Visitant
    • "a novel of terrifying power about madness and murder eight hundred years ago."
  • Dean Koontz's False Memory
    • My first Dean Koontz novel. I've been seeing his works around Booksale since God-knows-when but I haven't picked up a single book of his until now. This one's about the fear of one's own self, or autophobia.
  • Sara Hoskinson Frommer's Murder and Sullivan
    • About a murder on the opening night of a theater production. A detective investigating this staged death.
  • Keith Ablow's Denial
    • "A series of grisly murders has forensic psychiatrist Frank Clevenger on the case of a lifetime and the flight of his life against a brutal killer with a horrific trademark."
  • John Lescroart's Nothing But the Truth
    • An attorney's hunt for the true killer of his wife's friend, so that he can save his wife from being convicted of protecting an accused killer.
  • Willima Coughlin's The Stalking Man
    • Two men's hunt for the serial killer of beautiful women.
  • Malcom Rose's Traces: Roll Call
    • My fourth Malcom Rose novel (though my first two were also a part of the Traces series), and third book of the Traces series. 16-year old Forensic Investigator Luke Harding is hot on the trail of a serial killer who uses weapons that leave no trace behind. The murderer is killing women who have only one thing in common - the same name, Emily Wonder.
  • Benjamin Black's The Silver Swan
    • The sequel of Christine Falls. (I haven't read Christine Falls yet. I've seen one in Booksale's branch in Robinson's Mall Novaliches but I didn't buy it at the time 'cause I did not have enough money. But I find the story really interesting.)

Why're most of these are in the detective genre? Haha. I'm not a fan of detective stories, eh. But I found them interesting.

I will not be able to start reading any of these, though. For one, I found Frankenstein on my shelf, which I bought some years ago, and I've decided to finish it before the final exams week. Also, I'm kinda busy with school works 'cause the sem's almost over, and professors are piling huge junks of requirements for completion. I will have to wait until the semestral break to start reading these. Or maybe until the Holiday break. Or maybe until the summer break.


See Eireen Smile

I was browsing through Eireen's long-forgotten blog last night (for the nth time).

Eireen, by the way, is my high school friend. She was our class's poet during our junior and senior year. Her talent in poetry was 'discovered' when our English III teacher made us do numerous poems for the whole third grading period during that year. She was the one who'd always get the highest score, no matter what type of poem our teacher required us to write. There was actually a time when I envied her ('coz I was the one who took Creative Writing classes for two years, yet she beat me! Wtf!).

Anyway, this is a sample from Eireen:

Masked Love
by: Eireen Camille See Linang

I am a stalker.
A stalker, not a joker.
A stalker, who tries to follow you wherever, whoever.
A stalker who hides whenever you look back.

A stalker  who gaits whenever you’re with her,
A stalker who waits until the dark sets over,
A stalker who is obsessed to talk to you,
A stalker who only see is your face in any view.

A stalker who  tries to be in gaiety whenever you’re with somebody,
A stalker who smiles whenever you’re happy,
A stalker who cries whenever you’re sad,
and a stalker who is proud whenever you lend a hand.

I am a stalker.
A stalker, not a joker.
A stalker, who tries to follow you wherever, whoever.
I am a stalker and a lover.
I guess.


I kinda miss her and her poems...

She's now taking up Information Technology Education at PNU. I wonder if she still writes. Gonna ask her on our barkada 'reunion'.



Manny Pacquiao for vice-president?

"Anyone can be the vice-president of the Philippines."

Oh please. Yes, anyone CAN, but not everyone is deserving to be.

We have lots of 'geniuses' inside our country's political arena. I'd rather put my two cents on those veterans on politics than on Pacquiao.

Just hoping the Filipino masses won't root for him to be this forsaken nation's VP. Pff.

Hey ya!

It's been quite a while since I've updated this blog.

There was one anon who asked me on my Tumblr why I don't use English there. Little did he/she know that I have this blog, on which I use English.

Oh well. I don't even know why I made this one. For the sake of having an English blog, maybe? Beh.


Curled Up

So there was a blackout in our community last night. And since it's too hot inside my room, I slept in our living room instead. What I didn't know is that my big bro was tripping on me and he took photos of me curled up on the couch.

And yeah. My hair sucks when I sleep.


Do I look like one of the boys?

I mean, seriously?

Even if I dress out very lady-like?

Fastfood cashiers and the lady from the bank yesterday always, always, call me "sir"! I freakin' hate it.

Can't they see I have boobs? Geez!

Or maybe I look like gay?

Or do I look like a monster?



I think I'm sick.

Feel like I'm going to catch a cold. Or fever maybe.
I don't really feel like moving out of my bed today. Geez.

And not just physically, maybe spiritually, too.
Lately, I feel like I'm drifting away from religiosity. Not that I don't believe in God anymore. I still do. But I just don't know the "true religion." Personally, I don't think that faith is enough to make God save you. And I don't think that merely being a "good person" will make you a saint, either. I don't know. Just when I thought I already found the perfect religion that teaches the right lessons direct from the Holy Bible, then here comes monetary demands from them. Sucks, really.

Not yet an atheist, tho. just onthe verge of being one.


On the Go

Rush, rush, rush
to get my works done
fastly, fastly, fastly...

Trying to beat the clock's
second hand;
Trying to slow down the clock's
minute hand;
Trying to maximize
the time determined
by the clock's hour hand;
Trying to go on
step by step
like a cheetah on the run.

I pant,
I cram,
And now I can hardly breathe.

Time flies by, and
As I try to overtake it
in this race
we call life,
I carry on the guts
to make myself
be productive as I can.

Rush, rush, rush...