WAKANDA FOREVER 🖤

Rarely do I get sad about celebrity deaths. 

Sure, I did cry when Rico Yan died, I cried a bit when Alan Rickman died, and that's just about it. I have never really sad about any celebrity deaths. They're pretty much just regular people I never got to meet, is all. 

But Chadwick Boseman's death hit quite differently.

I never really was Boseman's fan (unlike I was with Yan and Rickman). I must admit, I really only knew him because he played Black Panther in the MCU. I haven't even seen any of his other projects, and I've seen only a few of his interviews. So I really couldn't put a finger down as to why I am greatly affected by his demise. 

Maybe it's because he's a king in the entertainment industry in his every little way. You see, a great king does not abandon his subjects for comfort. Boseman did not abandon his fans, as well as MCU fans, even while he was battling cancer. People would actually say, " I can't believe that he was already sick back then!" He did not abandon those who repeatedly asked him to do the "Wakanda Forever" salute even when he reportedly hated it. He did not abandon his followers even when he was bashed by the smallest minds when lost so much weight. He was a king when he agreed to be the face of one revolutionary mainstream superhero movie. Most importantly, from the looks of it, he was a real king to his family and friends even when he was already hurting.

But even the greatest kings fall.

And with Boseman's fall, we are reminded that we are connected to him in one way or another. As King T'Challa said, "More connects us than separates us." It’s may as well be the reason why his death saddened me a lot. 

If only he could come back like this IRL 😢
©Disney and Marvel Studios

I wish the Boseman family could somehow find peace in knowing that Chadwick's pain is now over. 

'Bad' tired; 'Good' tired

Right now, I am so fucking tired and so fucking hungry. Never had been THIS tired since the COVID-19 pandemic hit the country. Nevertheless, I have been so tired since March.

It was the 'bad' kind of tired I felt for five dragging months. I wasn't really physically tired (albeit all the workouts I do), but I was tired in other aspects. Although I am fairly introverted, I still want to be with small crowds every now and then. Five loooong months of having no crowds to be with was a bit emotionally and mentally tiring. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to bits, but seeing and talking to the same set of people for five months on end really got into my merves. The occasional phone calls and video calls from my friends didn't help either, as it was more frustrating to talk towards a gadget than it was to talk to actual people.

The disheartening governance of our public officials also contributed to this 'bad' tired thing. When your country has got public officials who do not listen to sound science and ground-level leaders when they absolutely have to, you know you are fucked. I won't enumerate na what frustrating things our government have done (and not done) these five months (and counting); they're all over the news and social media. You can search them online, but if you love yourself, please don't do that. You see, I also stopped closely monitoring news about our government's response to the pandemic for the sake of my mental health. 

Officially, I was employed for a month then unemployed for four months during the community quarantine. This is another nail on the 'bad' tired coffin for me. Yes I got tutoring gigs both online and home-based, but they weren't really enough to pay all my bills. Plus, my home-based tutorials met their abrupt end when active COVID cases increased in our barangay. I also wasn't built to be a sales person. Tried selling my pre-loved goodies, but then realized that I have got no energy for that. Tried to engage in online shits that promise good money, but I am just too skeptical to continue.

Today though, was a different kind of tired for me. It was 'good' tired. Nah, not just 'good,' but 'goooooood.' I am just some few steps from being officially employed again! I had just passed my training to ba a Math fellow! I had just finished the tasks for my tutoring gig! My sister-in-law and my boyfriend are employed again! My boyfriend has just got his motorcycle! Okay, that's probably too trivial already.

It was liked five excruciating months of being a tambay, then, boom! Opportunities left and right! Blessings from up above! Lifts from down below!

It was really a 'gooooooood' tired kind of week.

Bern, the coming back

For years, I had wanted to write anything again.

For years, I had not a single grain of energy nor the inspiration to write anything again.

I'm guessing it was because I was too caught up in things that I should do. I was determined BEFORE to make this blog my online journal. However 2016-2017 proved to be the busiest year in my life as an Education student. Between the teaching demos, class reporting, field studies, school organization duties, and stupendous projects, I didn't find time to write, even through traditional pen-and-paper journaling. Sure there were some moments in those years worth writing about - and I right now regret not writing about them - but back then I was just too physically tired to spend some extra time writing.

I had my first teaching job from June 2017 to the beginning of March 2020. These were the years that were the epitome of "tired" in my life. My first year of teaching was physically exhilarating. Physically, just that, physically. The following two years were physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. It even came to a point in my third year of teaching when I am not sure if I still can give love to my students anymore, because merely stepping into that place just drains me out of love. You see, as a teacher, it is hard if you cannot give even an ounce of love to your students. I am pretty sure the bad year they had was because I wasn't able to pour as much love to them as I did to my students the first two years. What's worse is that, my students were NOT at fault for it; some ~higher forces~ in that place was mainly at fault. I don't cry often at school but there were times I would just daydream of getting the hell out of that place and abandon everything that's in there, including the unassuming kids. Yep, that bad.

The five-month-quarantine imposed by the government would have been a good time for me to start writing again, especially the first few weeks. But between the tiredness of the past few years and the imminent danger of contacting COVID, I chose to just chill it out and do nothing but eat and sleep during the first two or three weeks of quarantine. Sure I revisited some of my beloved books and watched some dope shows, but it didn't get me started to want to write again. The weeks after that, I was just too mentally tired from every shitty thing that has and hasn't happen. And trust me, mentally tired is waaaay worse than physically tired.

Then the show The Big Bang Theory came yet again in my life. 

You see, I have watched this show before and I quite identify with Leonard and Sheldon's life as lovable nerds. But I watched it before through pirated DVDs (please don't jail me) where the end credits would be cut off probably to save space, plus I kind of stopped watching in the fourth or fifth season. So recently I re-watched it on Netflix (legally! I really pay for my subscription, ha!) and, boy what a relatively great decision I made! The little gems called Chuck Lorre Production Vanity Cards stirred me into wanting to write again.

One of Chuck Lorre's vanity cards in TBBT

You see, these vanity cards are just short whatnots at the end of every episode, but dang, they were funny! Now I admit I am not even half as funny as Chuck Lorre, but he sure made me want to go back to writing. I mean, Lorre writes just about ANYTHING in his vanity cards: production anecdotes, personal musings, wild imaginations, etc. So I thought, if he can write in short bursts, maybe I can too!

So I am now reviving this blog for the sake of my personal musings. The beauty of this blog is that not too many people follows this (unlike my Facebook account which a lot of my students follow); I could somehow post just about anything I want without fear of students reading HAHAHA 😂.

I am coming back. 💓