Buried Stories

Back in grade school, I wanted to be a writer.

Graduation retreat 2005, our retreat facilitator asked us to draw a symbol of what we wanted to do in ten years. I distinctly remember drawing a quill and a bottle of ink on a quarter of a long bond paper.

I hid that paper until just before I entered my 3rd year in high school.

Up to that point, I believed that I really could write moving stories crafted with words so poignant it might melt my readers' hearts. I was wrong. You see, I know I could write. The thing is, I couldn't continue writing. I'd think of an idea, a topic, a story, and I'd actually start to write them down. I'd get short, powerful outbursts of inspiration that would get me writing for hours, even days... until I stop to rest. And when I rest, my writing halts. I would not know how to go on with the story or topic I was writing about anymore.

***

Fourth grade. I had dreamt of being a young poet-novelist. I had this idea of a writing style for my first novel: prose juxtaposed with poetry within the novel. A young man writing a never-ending song to the woman who holds his heart. Every events of their colorful love story would merit a part of the song that plays on the background inside the young man's head that only he could hear.

However, there were two major setbacks of making that happen then. First, I had no experience whatsoever in romantic love. What I knew about love back then were what I had seen in the movies, or had read in novels and fairytales. Second, I started writing it with the phrase "Once upon a time in a faraway land" which could be fine if  only it was meant to be a fairytale. But it isn't. So when I pitched it to my closest classmate at that time, she just laughed and said I was too corny to be writing.

So I stopped it.

Come the final years of grade school, I would be the feature writer of our school paper. The writer dream was still with me, albeit a different kind of writing. But whenever I write, my classmate's words -- "masyado kang korni" -- would play in my head the way the never-ending song was supposed to play in my protagonist's head.

***

Seventh grade. I enrolled in a special arts program at school focusing on Creative Writing. I thought being in a formal program on writing would help me with my "outbursts" problem, what with it being a regular after-acads class. And I thought it somehow did, honestly. When we were just starting, I could write a healthy mix of poems and short stories impromptu. Our CW teacher would task us to write five to ten poems, or a five-minute creative speech, or a complete short story just in a day and I would deliver. I felt like I could really go on being the writer I had wanted to be.

I was wrong.

Just about five months into the program, I felt writing's appeal slipping through me. I started to turn up to class fewer and fewer times, and opted to attend the other art classes (particularly theater) instead. To me, the other art classes were a welcome distraction, an exploration, even, of what I can do outside of writing. I could still write, but my writings were not as inspired as they used to be in the first five months. It went like that until I "explored" another field: Mathematics.

Unlike literature, which I have loved from when I was a little child, my relationship with Mathematics had always been a tumultuous one. I hated it, I loved it, I hated it, I loved it. The cycle went on and on and on like that at different times of my life.

It was during the dying days of eighth grade that I figured, I may have loved Mathematics more than writing. Just before I entered ninth grade, I threw away that little piece of paper with the drawing of a quill and a pen. I decided, I am not going to be a writer anymore.

So I stopped writing.

I still wrote in the form of news articles for the school paper. But, I definitely stopped writing.

***

Tenth grade. Blogs and Creative Corner stories (kids today would know these as Wattpad stories) were gaining attention among us girls at school. Once again, I took interest in writing a novel, like what I did back in fourth grade. But it wasn't the story on the never-ending song -- I did not know how to go on with that anymore. It was about a lost love that has come back to collect from his beau.

I did not start writing that novel right away. Rather, I "tested the waters" first. You see, that "masyado kang korni" still played in my head whenever I tried to write. So to test the waters, I started a little journal of anecdotes. It was an open journal for anyone in the class to read. My closest friends loved my writing style in that journal, and the others really took interest in it. That journal served as my morale booster. Soon after, I started to write the novel.

Every time I finish a chapter of that novel, I'd make my closest friends read it. Some would praise my writing style, some would check my grammar, and some would question the authenticity of the feelings evoked by my chapters. That was where I failed. My novel was not authentic enough to be a mirror of life. How could I even write a novel about love when the closest I had to a having a love life at that time was receiving an anonymous pwede-bang-manligaw note?

So I stopped writing.

In attempting to write that novel, I realized, I was not living fully during high school. I have never invested enough in my emotional bank to be able to create a piece that mirrors the intricacies of life.

***

2011. I started blogging across different platforms (Blogspot, Tumblr, WordPress). I thought I'd be better off writing anecdotes than writing a novel, and blogging was the most convenient way to write without a lot of people noticing.

So yes, I was writing again: anecdotes, short stories, essays, and even poor attempts at poetry. It went well over a year. Until I was struck with depression.

So I stopped writing. Again.

I lost the will to think of what to write. Those were the times I constantly did not want to get out of bed. I wasn't even taking care of myself, much less my interests. I dropped out of university. I went AWOL to all of my friends. I just lost interest in life.

Never have I told anyone about the complete story of that stage in my life. And until now, I'd rather have that time buried deep in my memories than open it up to anybody.

***

2014. I went back to schooling. I also went back to written journaling.

I made attempts here and there to revive my interest in writing. Made some "I am back!" posts on my blog. Written short pieces of poetry on my journal, on top of the usual anecdotes. But it was futile. I found writing more of a task than of a hobby.

So I stopped trying to write again.

***

2020. I can say that I'm probably more mentally stable now than the past few years. And though I teach Maths now, that love for writing I had is starting to grow once again. Within the years I had stopped writing there were a lot of experiences I gained, emotions I felt, friends that came and went, and ideas that passed by so swiftly I was not able to get hold of them longer. 

I could probably attempt to write once in a while now. Maybe not a novel anymore. It's a good thing we have become so mobile in anything that I can write with my phone whenever and wherever. As Bob Ong has once written, "kapag binisita ka ng idea, gana o inspirasyon, kailangan mong itigil LAHAT ng ginagawa mo para lang di masayang ang pagkakataon. Walang 'sandali lang' o 'teka muna'. Dahil pag lumagpas ang maikling panahong yon, kahit mag-umpog ka ng ulo sa pader mahihirapan ka nang maghabol. The instantaneous fulfillment of being able to write what's on my mind could bring balance to my already tiring world. The stories, the feelings, as much as possible, these should not remain buried deep in anyone's soul. They spice up our world, they help us as humans grow.

I'll try not to stop writing now.

#

Little girl

Little girl

run regally now

    like the black panthers of old

    inside their realm so mystical

    where kings reflect on things vital

    and where leaders get their fix so spiritual.

    But do not just follow the kings of old and new, 

    rather pave your own path

    and rule your own queendom

    as you rule over the course of your fate.

Little girl 

fly freely now

    like white clover heads 

    floating along hot summer air, 

    landing on sweaty little palms, 

    granting wishes youth whispers, 

    floating once more when prayers

    blow them softly back

    to the blue skies

    where wish-granting gods reside;

    to deliver the soft little prayers

    they carried off of sweaty little palms. 

    But do not just carry their prayers:

    rather take yours also with you

    as you soar to the blue skies

    where wish-granting gods reside. 

Little girl

grow gaily now

    like sunflowers shining brightly

    as the sun they look up to

    when they line up to welcome

    the wondrous exit of 

    scholars clad in green and red. 

    But do not just spectate, 

    rather be a part of that culture

    of victory amidst challenges,

    of caring despite knowing,

    of honor before excellence.

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First Day Chronicles

First days had always been a struggle for me. 

When I was in kindergarten, the first day of school was scary as shit. It was the first time I am left alone with no one I know with me. I remember that I almost cried that day, but stopped myself when I saw another kid cry and it was really squeamish. 

Fourth grade. It was my first time enrolling in a public school. I think my mom laid me on a little bit too much to my teachers. The first day was particularly beleaguering. I kept feeling my adviser's eyes on me. I kind of felt like I had to be this perfect little private school-bred lady: quiet, prim, and proper. Which I am, on most levels, definitely NOT.

The first day in high school was a good blend of scary and enchanting (though mostly tipping on scary). I was so used to small buildings from my elementary school that the "towering" four-storey buildings felt suffocating, yet so captivating, as if my dreams of fairytale teenage life were just some winks away. Maybe I'll get bullied. Maybe a senior will take notice of me and be my knight in shining armor. Maybe not just one senior will take notice. Maybe a varsity player will make me his muse. Maybe I'll be this school's "it" girl. (For the record, only one of these maybe's happened: I got bullied. No senior, not even a batchmate, really took notice. Our school did not have a varsity team. I was borderline nerdy and sooo not "it" girl material. High school was in no way like the movies, to my imperceptible dismay.) Those dreams which, not even one day into high school, got shattered by me tripping over the metal drainage grates along the side of the gym what with my too big black leather shoes, and by me getting noticed all for unpleasant reasons what with my too big baggy shirt. It was quite telling of how chaotic my high school  life would somehow become.

Take the "scary and enchanting" bit of first day in high school and multiply that for about a thousand times. That was how the first day inside the university felt (again, tipping more on scary). It was not formal classes yet, just an orientation. And although I had one of my best high school buddies with me as a blockmate, I still wasn't able to shake that feeling of "littleness" (ironic, considering how tall I am). There was just something about the century-old, massive-land-area, country's top university in the heart of a bustling city that makes you feel severely insignificant despite all your earlier achievements. This feeling of insignificance was heightened even more during the first day of class. For the first time in my student life, I felt like I was the dumbest inside the classroom. Just my first university classmates' stances were enough for me to know that the honors I received prior to university are merely shams. No real bearing. No real worth.

The first day I stopped studying, I was like a ghost floating aimlessly. I had so many questions in mind which revolved into just a huge one: What the f-ck went wrong with me? 

The first day back to college, when I decided it's time to straighten the f-ck up, I was doubly awkward. It was like fourth grade all over again. Some professors knew I came from a premier university, so I felt their watchful eyes, bordering on judgment and amusement. I was already aboard a luxury ship, why descend to lowly bangka? Some classmates knew I came from a premier university, so I felt their even more watchful eyes. Why am I here? (Couple of months later, I learned that I wasn't alone: some classmates were in the same situation as I, which, honestly, made my transition to "doubly awkward" to "quite confident" smoother than I have imagined.)

The first day after college graduation was anxiety-inducing. It was the end of life as I knew it and the beginning of life as I'll know it. I am no longer merely a student. I'll be part of a workforce. I'll be an adult really acting as an adult. While employment after graduation wasn't really of question (I was hired weeks prior), the thought of meeting another set of people to come to terms with once again scared me.

Dangerously treading on hypocrisy, I guess, started on the first day of my first job. This was the first time I had attended something deeply religious for years. Deep in my heart, I knew, how I felt during this particular first day foreshadowed how my sojourn there generally went about: light-hearted doused with pretense.

The first day of the community quarantine was the start of five months — probably more? I stopped counting — of uncertainty. While it almost coincided with my most awaited end of contract, I did not picture it the way it unfolded. I had already imagined how I would say goodbye to my lovely students, how I would say sorry if I was not as loving and guiding towards them as I would have wanted to be, how I would tell them that I'd really appreciate it if they'll choose to let me stay in their hearts even a little bit more than the school year. Alas, COVID ruined that. As I don't really do well in impersonal goodbyes, I felt like I'll never be able to move on from something that I have not literally waved goodbye to.

Now, it is my first day as a public school teacher. It is extremely different with how I had imagined it to be when I passed the board exam. COVID prompted all schools to delay the start of classes, as well as to utilize a skeletal workforce. The prospect of me being the only new teacher at this school is terrifying. The fact that I am away from people I am already comfortable being with makes this first day despairing. The nearly-empty corridors make this first day even scarier than all the other first days I had so far. I am lost yet I have exactly no one and everyone to guide me. I am lonely yet I have exactly no one and everyone to be with me. 

First days have always been a struggle for me.

#

Mulan turns to an unwarranted Magyo

Okay, that title was cringy at best, but hear me: animated Mulan was rainshowers in the dry season, live-action Mulan is the storm that pulls the southwest monsoon.

If only Liu Yifei's heart is as perfect as Mulan's hair in combat. 

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

MULAN (2020): THE MOVIE

I wanted to view the live-action Mulan (2020) as a film independent of its animated predecessor Mulan (1998). But alas, that proved to be an impossible feat. I was not even halfway through the live-action film when I caught myself thinking, "I kind of like this Mulan better."
 
In the past few years, Disney has been trying, and most recently failing, to adapt their classic animated movies into live-action. We, the generations who grew up with Disney classics, would get excited of course. But the last few projects were not enchanting enough to capture the magic that made our collective childhoods Disney-fied (oh hello, Aladdin and the most heart-breaking averageness that was Lion King). With these projects came the fear from Mulan fans that the live-action version is just another soulless cash-grabbing scheme of Disney preying on our childhood nostalgia.
 
I think, we could have not been more wrong.
 

Yup, probably would believe you whole-heartedly if only you weren't so pro-CCP.

Director Niki Caro treated Mulan the way she deserved to be treated. The live-action take on the Chinese classic was thrilling all the way from start to finish. While the animated version struggled to completely capture the Chinese traditional cultural settings and details, the live-action reveled in it. That is not to say that the new Mulan was too traditional: the display of astounding special effects and state-of-the-art action sequences with intricately choreographed martial arts battles and horse stunts screams of modern tropes of cinema. The casting was perfect, the cinematography was astounding, the distinctiveness of the film from the animated version was on point.

The film's heroine is much like the movie itself. Most of us probably grew up to believe that most of Disney animated classics’ magic lies in the incorporation of the enchanting songs that we could repeatedly sing-along with. Overly faithful adaptations has been quite the norm for animated-to-live-action Disney projects, and quite honestly, that did not bode well for Aladdin and Lion King. Expectedly, many animated Mulan fans would probably be looking for the beloved songs I’ll Make a Man out of You, or A Girl Worth Fighting For, or Reflection within the live-action movie. However, Caro’s decision to not include singing parts in the movie was tantamount to Mulan forging her own path despite heavy social norms. As a “shout out” to this norm though, the film cleverly used recognizable melodies (like Honor to Us All in the matchmaker scene and Reflection in the Mulan-connects-to-her-chi montage), and memorable lines (“We're going to make men out of every single one of you” and “I don’t care what she looks like, I care what she cooks like!”).

In addition to the omission of musical numbers, Caro’s careful take on scenes involving traditional Chinese culture was respectful of the primary source material (perhaps too respectful – more on that later). Hollywood, when making commercial movies based on any Asian heritage, tend to create overly comical characters and scenes that are borderline racist and are too westernized. This Mulan however, remains heavily grounded on Chinese folklore and tradition. Caro and her team did an exceptional job showing Chinese culture with elaborate sets, gorgeous costumes, and thoughtful principles – no wisecracking little dragons, and no coward of an emperor. The presentation of loyal, brave, true, and devotion to family also represent the long-time values of China’s people.

Another “breaking away from norm” Caro did for the movie was the non-inclusion of a conclusive love story. In the beloved (albeit imperfect) animated classic, Li Shang, the commander, served as Mulan’s love interest – even appearing towards the end at the Hua residence for “dinner”. This was a particularly ground-breaking at that time due to the bisexuality of Li Shang’s character. Li Shang was first intimately attracted to Mulan as a man, not to her in full blossom as a woman. This was hinted in several blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes. In Caro’s Mulan though, the commander was not Mulan’s love interest (to avoid#MeToo repercussions), rather it was Honghui, a fellow soldier and Mulan’s equal. In the movie though, it was quite evident that Honghui saw Mulan as someone no more than a fellow soldier while she was still Hua Jun (“How could I even begin to talk to a woman?” while talking to Hua Jun). It was only when Mulan revealed her true self that Honghui had hinted of being attracted to her (“You wouldn’t even hold my hand?”). And even then, Honghui did not even follow Mulan home the way Li Shang did in the animated classic. Honghui just watched her go, killing any hopes for a definite love story. While this is empowering to female viewers (hey, we don’t need any man!), it somehow does the bisexual community a disservice (more on this later).

Probably the closest to "romantic gaze" in the movie before Mulan reveals her true self.

MULAN (2020): THE CCP PROPAGANDA

Let's face it though, the new Mulan movie has huge undertones of Chinese Communist Party propaganda. Disney became an ass-kisser to China just to push this movie through (didn't pay them off well though, also, China had just banned all media coverage on Mulan, making it more difficult to gain publicity in the country).

Here are several points as to why Mulan was a big CCP ass-kissing propaganda:

• Lead actress Liu Yifei voiced support for Hong Kong’s police force, despite the latter being under fire for police brutality against protesters. Similarly, other Chinese celebrities (including Donnie Yen, who plays general here) remained either celebratory or nonchalant of the “achievements” of the Chines Communist Party.
• The film’s ravishing landscapes were shot in Xinjiang, a region in China where more than a million Muslims in Xinjiang, mostly of the Uighur minority, have been imprisoned in concentration camps, and where genocide through forced sterilization is currently implemented intended to prevent births within the Muslim group. Disney thanking the government departments that carry out these atrocities in the closing credits did not help with the film’s reputation.
• The emperor in the new Mulan is powerful and a chi-master, as compared to the animated version who was old and weak. This could be read as a symbol of China’s power. China now holds power, as opposed to previously-held assumptions that the country was weak and poor. Portraying the symbol of the dynasty in a more powerful personality is just about tantamount to Disney saying China is a force to be reckoned with. Furthermore, Mulan's over-loyalty to the emperor despite given a choice to make her own name in her own terms mirrors the Chinese celebrities being overly loyal to the CCP despite gaining substantial fame overseas.

"I can chi my way to safety, too, you know."

• Censorship deprived us of a love story in the camps, as well as the bisexual undertones of that relationship. Reports say that there should have been a kiss scene between Mulan and Honghui, but it did not go down well with Chinese authorities. Since Disney had to kiss asses to have the film push through for Chinese audience, they did not include the scene in the final cut.

MULAN (2020): WILL IT BE WORTH YOUR TIME?

Like I said in the beginning of my post, animated Mulan was rainshowers in the dry season, live-action Mulan is the storm that pulls the southwest monsoon.

Yes, live-action Mulan is a stronger film for me compared to the animated version. But the thing is, the animated version, albeit weaker, was needed at that time. Sure some elements of it did not age well (Mulan and Shang love story?), but at that time we kind of needed Disney to give us an Asian heroine. The live-action, though strong in cinematic qualities, is something no one really needed, especially with all the issues connected with it. It is strong, but futile, and is only potentially damaging to the image of Disney itself.

Will you miss much if you do not watch it? I don't really think so. But if you have time to spare, and I mean reaaaally to spare, use that to watch it if only for the spectacle that director Caro had prepared. Just keep in mind that the art is a separate element from all the actors/artists and production company involved, and you'll probably be good to go.

Also, I think if you're going to watch it, torrents will be your best friend.

#

Ode to the old

I walk with you arm-in-arm

like I used to

when I was young. 

I walk with you arm-in-arm 

as we go towards

the narrow white corridors, 

with marble-tiled floors, 

and "the doctor is in" doors. 

 

I walked with you arm-in-arm 

and back then I felt

your skin tight, yet lined

with the labors you had had;

your arms strong and stable

as you carried me over the flood

so my black leather shoes won't sop. 

 

I walk with you arm-in-arm 

and now I feel

as if your very skin

is gradually melting,

gradually softening

gradually sliding off your bones;

as if the lines that were

your battle scars

are fading like spider webs

pulled away too far;

as if the flood

anytime now could

wash you away from me, 

from everyone you love, 

from the world. 

 

I am not ready for that. 

 

I am not ready

because in my mind

yours are still the arms

that carried me over the flood

so my black leather shoes won’t sop;

yours are still the arms

that hauled my heavy bags

when they were too hefty to lug;

yours are still the arms

that I clung to the first second

I tried to swim, tried to stay afloat;

yours are still the arms

that carried me gently to bed

after I fell asleep learning my numbers;

yours are still the arms

that I hugged for the afternoon naps

and golden evening slumbers;

and

yours are still the arms

that I dearly treasure

even if I rarely

get to hold to them anymore.

 

Now

I walk with you arm-in-arm

in silence

and in dubious nonchalance

that all still could be well

even as for your fading health

I guess, now, only time can tell.

#

You, young one

Hey.

I saw you change your profile and cover photos on Facebook. Does it mean there's something new in your life you'll be venturing in? Or are you just sharing an old passion to everyone when you used to be too shy to show it? 

Don't get me wrong, I am not stalking you. Your profile updates just passed by my newsfeed. I didn't even bother to react to it when I saw it, as I was always wont to do when I see posts that speak to me (I'm a reactor, you see). 

But some things hit me just a little bit late. 

I don't know how, probably half a day after I saw your updates, it got me smiling. Real smiling. Maybe it's because I have seen you rendered voiceless when you were forced to sing in front of hundreds. Maybe it's because I have heard you stutter when you were confronted by people you fear. Maybe it's because I have seen you cry and be vulnerable with your closest buddies. Maybe it's because I have seen you timidly cover your face with your hand when you have to face people. Or maybe you got me wishing I was like you.

You see, when I was your age, I never had the talent that you have: I cannot draw, I cannot sing, and for the love of God, I cannot play any instrument. When I was your age, I never had the fashion sense that you have: shirts and jeans were my only life. When I was your age, I never had the aesthetic appreciation that you have. When I was your age, I never had the sense of individuality that you have oozing out of you, despite that surface introversion. 

Yet here you are right now, on the brink of doing things I only wish I could have done when I was your age. Funny how the young often makes the old realize how their youth had un-satisfyingly gone by, eh? (Yes, at 27, I funnily feel old, dear.)

Whatever it is you desire to be, I only have one wish for you and all the other students I have loved and will still love, that is, I wish you do not waste your youth. I never want you to grow old and look back at your life with so many what-ifs and unfulfilled wishes. 

Keep doing what your heart desires, so long as you're not breaking any rules. Keep loving, keep hurting, keep feeling. Keep singing, at the top of your lungs, the tunes of youthful exuberance. Keep strumming the chords of youthful melancholia, never mind the calloused fingers it may cause. Keep dressing in youthful colors, no matter how rainbow-ish you might look. Keep your artfulness. Keep your music. And keep being just you.

I will just be here, at a distance in space and probably in time, proud of what an inspiring individual you have set yourself to become.

Always here, 

Ma'am Bern 💗

#

Isn't it ironic?

When the man who has nothing becomes your everything.

        "no darling. i'm sorry. i have nothing at all."

When you just don't want to talk to the person you miss the most.

        "please leave. please don't talk. please end the call."

When you see him to share but all your tales got lost

        "it's a long story. don't mind it. skip it."

When you've known him only for a few months

        and you can't live without him.

When the one whose womb you've lived for months

        can't talk to you on a whim.

When you're stuck in traffic on the way to the gym

        so you can move your body, your waistline, too, hopefully

When you save, save, save for the future

        but in the future you're just ailing so hopelessly.

When they require you to wear a mask

        and you've already been wearing one for a long time.

When the pillars of quality education fail to comprehend.

When the teacher's son does not have tools to learn.

When there's money for sand but not for bread.

When infidels make you straight.

When Christians kill your faith. 

#

Freeze the #AcademicFreeze

I get it, we are all adjusting. Students, teachers, parents, other stakeholders - we are are all shocked by the sudden change in education brought about by COVID-19 pandemic. But let us weigh in several factors before jumping into the trend that is #AcademicFreezeNow. Because, like it or not, students and teachers are not the only people involved in education.

ACADEMIC FREEZE - PROS

• Safer from virus
• It's easy: No classes of any kind, no physical contacts aside from family (ideally). Teachers will not have to report to school (some schools with online class platforms still require their teachers to come to school). Parents will not have to commute to pick up learning modules. Students will not have to make rakets big or small in order to finance their online classes needs. Basically, no real reason to go out and risk contacting COVID-19 aside from catering to the very basic needs during an academic freeze.
• More time to get ready
• DepEd and CHED both are JUST. NOT. GROUND-LEVEL. READY. FOR. DISTANCE. LEARNING. There, I've said it. I have seen firsthand how teachers struggle to learn how to navigate through technology despite a gazillion of webinars made available online. I have read some modules distributed online by teachers and school heads are just not proofread thoroughly (and who can even forget that DepEd test broadcast fiasco?). I have attended webinars that underwent difficulties due to intermittent internet connection (same would basically happen in an online class). Teachers are not going to be able to relearn and adapt to new ways of doing their jobs in just a matter of months. Quality education will not be assured by sub-par modules as alternative learning materials. Finally, unless PLf---ingDT, Globe f----ing Telecom, and other internet service providers actually provide us with the internet service we pay for, online classes will just be a vacuous farce. A time-bound academic freeze will give more time for everyone involved to address these needs for a quality distance learning.
• Economic and social relief of certain degree for families
• In every social media posts vehemently pushing for an Academic Freeze, there sure will be statements there along the lines of, "Pambili na nga lang ng pagkain, ipanglo-load pa" or "Hindi lahat ay conducive ang bahay o pamilya para sa pag-aaral" or "Handa ang ibang ibaba ang dignidad para maitawid ang pang-online class." [It is my understanding that most of these posts come from college students since CHED did not really give other options for tertiary education to continue other than thru online learning]. An academic freeze sure can help families focus their meager budget on basic necessities amidst the pandemic.
• Mental health break
• Living through a pandemic is already really shitty enough as it is. Having additional tasks for mere compliance with would really take a toll both on the learners and on the teachers. In some schools that have already started online classes, I have seen learners struggle to comply with an average of 4-5 unique learning tasks per week per subject!! (Not including quizzes and self-reflection activities). Multiply that to 7-9 subjects they enrolled in, so that's about 28-45 unique tasks per week! In the face-to-face set up, never have I ever seen a student accomplish such mountain of school tasks in a week (even when I was the student). It is pretty much the same scenario with the teachers. Teachers, on top of developing lessons in platforms they are not familiar with, will have to check thousands of outputs submitted by their learners (this is especially taxing with modular approach), and do loads of clerical work on their own. In the face-to-face set up, teachers can actually assign some of their clerical work (like checking of attendance, or checking of assignments) to responsible volunteer students. I can only imagine all the stress and anxiety these workloads for students and teachers alike would cause amidst the hovering problem of a global pandemic.

ACADEMIC FREEZE - CONS

• Unemployment of private school employees
• Teachers are not the only employees of private schools. There are counselors, registrars, clerks, accountants, IT workers, maintenance and security personnel to consider. In the event of an academic freeze, private school owners will not have the financial source to continue employing these people. Since the pandemic hit the Philippines, a number of small private schools have already declared bankruptcy, leaving their employees unemployed at a time when finding employment is much elusive. An academic freeze will only further the unemployment rate of the country, leaving more families struggling financially.
• Unemployment of people from industries that cater to education
• When we talk of education, our viewpoint should not stop in schools. For education to flourish, schools have to seek industries that cater to their cause. These industries may include, but not limited to, publishing houses, LMS providers, training institutes, and supplemental product makers. With an academic freeze, these industries will have no clients, consequently, no need for employees. As with the case with private schools laying off employees during an academic freeze, this will only add up to our country's already failing unemployment rate.
• Widening the gap between rich and poor
• I have seen several posts advocating for an academic freeze saying that continuing the school year will further widen the gap between the rich and the poor because of digital divide. I beg to disagree. Suppose an academic freeze pushes through here in the country. The rich will have the option instead to enroll on online platforms of schools abroad. They can continue their formal schooling. They can continue learning. They can move forward. Meanwhile the poor who depends on the government education programs for their schooling will remain in their current place. They'll be stuck in being uneducated. Then rich and ambitious opportunists will take advantage of the poor who remained uneducated. (Okay, I'm getting really far-fetched here but I do hope you see the picture). At least with modules and TV/radio broadcast options, the poor can still have access to formal education and the gap in education brought by the digital divide will be narrower.
• Anxiety due to schooling delays
• Some supporters of academic freeze would like to suspend any schooling activities until  the country has already won against the pandemic. The question though is, WHEN WILL THAT HAPPEN?? With the incompetent, deaf-and-blind, government leadership we have now, can we truly expect Philippines to win against COVID-19 anytime soon? For all we know, this could last for several years. What will happen to those who expect to graduate from their dream courses in a year or two? Those whose target scholarship grants rely on them finishing their schooling as soon as possible? How about those children who were caught doing their homeworks under the light of fastfood chains and book shops, how anxious would they be if their schooling stops abruptly because of reasons they cannot take control of? Anxiety due to schooling delays is as real and as burdensome as anxiety due to loads of required school work.
• Little to no guided work for most school-age children
• Part of the mandate of state-funded basic education is to teach at least basic reading, writing, and arithmetic to school-age children. To ensure their learning, it is especially crucial not to delay schooling for very young children as this is the time when literacy and numeracy is being developed. Delays in learning will have a negative compounding effect in the latter years. In an event of an academic freeze, there will be little to no guided work for most school-age children dedicated for their learning. Those who have access to gadgets and the internet will consume a lot more unhealthy screen time with no impact on their development. On the other hand, those underprivileged children will not even consider finding resources for learning (which the government could have provided to them for free) as it is not their priority. As such, we could expect a steeper decline in the level of reading comprehension and numeracy skills of younger Filipinos than what we had right before the pandemic struck.

MY STAND?

I actually used to support academic freeze. But after trying to weigh in more realities into my opinion, I now think, far more sectors will be adversely affected by an academic freeze compared to continuing the school year. There is no 100% "good" way to solve this education dilemma we have now. Whichever way our government goes with this, there will be people who are negatively affected, but then again, I'd rather choose fewer sectors suffer. The harsh reality is, education is so much more than students and teachers. Just because they are finding it hard to go through the "new normal" does NOT mean we should not carry on with the school year. 

WHAT CAN WE DO INSTEAD?

• #LigtasNaBalikEskwela
• Instead of calling for a freeze, call out instead our bird-brained government officials to ensure a safe school year. How? Make them do mass testing and contact tracing, and make them secure a better health system (yes, we've been trying to bludgeon them into these for moooooonths now but please do not stop). Call out the government, especially the Department of Health, to give us a highly competent pandemic response. Implore them to listen to experts and not their nonsensical egos. Call for better budget allocation (wag nang i-defend yung white sand ng Manila Bay please!). Petition for quality personal hygiene facilities in schools even way before letting kids physically come back to school. 
• If you are a student, change your stupid mindset on school tasks
• Try to not look at your school tasks as just another stressors in your already stressful life. Your mindset should be "I should do this to learn" and not "I should do this to pass." You might complain of having loads of assignments, but I bet half of your assignments can actually be done in less than 15 minutes if you really give your mind into it. Gaya nga ng laging sinasabi ng nanay ko, "Obey first before you complain." You might surprise yourself.
• If you are a teacher, change your stupid mindset on assigning tasks
• Yours is not the only subject your students are dealing with. Wag masyadong pa-major sa dami ng ipapagawa. Quantity of tasks does not necessarily equate to quality of learning. Now, if your superior is requiring you to give a certain number of tasks to your student, why not take a big task, and break it into "chunks" so that it will look like it is a lot of tasks already. I got this idea from one of the teachers of a student I am tutoring right now. They are required to give students 4 sets of required tasks. What the teacher did was he gave a reading activity. Set 1 of the required task is reading a story, Set 2 is listing the characters down, Set 3 is summarizing the story through a plot line, and Set 4 is reflection. See, instead of cramming all these into just one task with follow up questions, he divided them into smaller, more easily achievable tasks. Another way of lessening tasks is by collaborating with teachers from other subjects and see if you can integrate at least two subjects into one task. My co-teachers and I have done this several times during face-to-face classes, so we could probably make this work, too, in new normal setting.

TL;DR I do not support Academic Freeze. To me the cons outweigh the pros. We can direct our voices onto other things to improve the current education situation instead.

WAKANDA FOREVER 🖤

Rarely do I get sad about celebrity deaths. 

Sure, I did cry when Rico Yan died, I cried a bit when Alan Rickman died, and that's just about it. I have never really sad about any celebrity deaths. They're pretty much just regular people I never got to meet, is all. 

But Chadwick Boseman's death hit quite differently.

I never really was Boseman's fan (unlike I was with Yan and Rickman). I must admit, I really only knew him because he played Black Panther in the MCU. I haven't even seen any of his other projects, and I've seen only a few of his interviews. So I really couldn't put a finger down as to why I am greatly affected by his demise. 

Maybe it's because he's a king in the entertainment industry in his every little way. You see, a great king does not abandon his subjects for comfort. Boseman did not abandon his fans, as well as MCU fans, even while he was battling cancer. People would actually say, " I can't believe that he was already sick back then!" He did not abandon those who repeatedly asked him to do the "Wakanda Forever" salute even when he reportedly hated it. He did not abandon his followers even when he was bashed by the smallest minds when lost so much weight. He was a king when he agreed to be the face of one revolutionary mainstream superhero movie. Most importantly, from the looks of it, he was a real king to his family and friends even when he was already hurting.

But even the greatest kings fall.

And with Boseman's fall, we are reminded that we are connected to him in one way or another. As King T'Challa said, "More connects us than separates us." It’s may as well be the reason why his death saddened me a lot. 

If only he could come back like this IRL 😢
©Disney and Marvel Studios

I wish the Boseman family could somehow find peace in knowing that Chadwick's pain is now over. 

'Bad' tired; 'Good' tired

Right now, I am so fucking tired and so fucking hungry. Never had been THIS tired since the COVID-19 pandemic hit the country. Nevertheless, I have been so tired since March.

It was the 'bad' kind of tired I felt for five dragging months. I wasn't really physically tired (albeit all the workouts I do), but I was tired in other aspects. Although I am fairly introverted, I still want to be with small crowds every now and then. Five loooong months of having no crowds to be with was a bit emotionally and mentally tiring. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to bits, but seeing and talking to the same set of people for five months on end really got into my merves. The occasional phone calls and video calls from my friends didn't help either, as it was more frustrating to talk towards a gadget than it was to talk to actual people.

The disheartening governance of our public officials also contributed to this 'bad' tired thing. When your country has got public officials who do not listen to sound science and ground-level leaders when they absolutely have to, you know you are fucked. I won't enumerate na what frustrating things our government have done (and not done) these five months (and counting); they're all over the news and social media. You can search them online, but if you love yourself, please don't do that. You see, I also stopped closely monitoring news about our government's response to the pandemic for the sake of my mental health. 

Officially, I was employed for a month then unemployed for four months during the community quarantine. This is another nail on the 'bad' tired coffin for me. Yes I got tutoring gigs both online and home-based, but they weren't really enough to pay all my bills. Plus, my home-based tutorials met their abrupt end when active COVID cases increased in our barangay. I also wasn't built to be a sales person. Tried selling my pre-loved goodies, but then realized that I have got no energy for that. Tried to engage in online shits that promise good money, but I am just too skeptical to continue.

Today though, was a different kind of tired for me. It was 'good' tired. Nah, not just 'good,' but 'goooooood.' I am just some few steps from being officially employed again! I had just passed my training to ba a Math fellow! I had just finished the tasks for my tutoring gig! My sister-in-law and my boyfriend are employed again! My boyfriend has just got his motorcycle! Okay, that's probably too trivial already.

It was liked five excruciating months of being a tambay, then, boom! Opportunities left and right! Blessings from up above! Lifts from down below!

It was really a 'gooooooood' tired kind of week.

Bern, the coming back

For years, I had wanted to write anything again.

For years, I had not a single grain of energy nor the inspiration to write anything again.

I'm guessing it was because I was too caught up in things that I should do. I was determined BEFORE to make this blog my online journal. However 2016-2017 proved to be the busiest year in my life as an Education student. Between the teaching demos, class reporting, field studies, school organization duties, and stupendous projects, I didn't find time to write, even through traditional pen-and-paper journaling. Sure there were some moments in those years worth writing about - and I right now regret not writing about them - but back then I was just too physically tired to spend some extra time writing.

I had my first teaching job from June 2017 to the beginning of March 2020. These were the years that were the epitome of "tired" in my life. My first year of teaching was physically exhilarating. Physically, just that, physically. The following two years were physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. It even came to a point in my third year of teaching when I am not sure if I still can give love to my students anymore, because merely stepping into that place just drains me out of love. You see, as a teacher, it is hard if you cannot give even an ounce of love to your students. I am pretty sure the bad year they had was because I wasn't able to pour as much love to them as I did to my students the first two years. What's worse is that, my students were NOT at fault for it; some ~higher forces~ in that place was mainly at fault. I don't cry often at school but there were times I would just daydream of getting the hell out of that place and abandon everything that's in there, including the unassuming kids. Yep, that bad.

The five-month-quarantine imposed by the government would have been a good time for me to start writing again, especially the first few weeks. But between the tiredness of the past few years and the imminent danger of contacting COVID, I chose to just chill it out and do nothing but eat and sleep during the first two or three weeks of quarantine. Sure I revisited some of my beloved books and watched some dope shows, but it didn't get me started to want to write again. The weeks after that, I was just too mentally tired from every shitty thing that has and hasn't happen. And trust me, mentally tired is waaaay worse than physically tired.

Then the show The Big Bang Theory came yet again in my life. 

You see, I have watched this show before and I quite identify with Leonard and Sheldon's life as lovable nerds. But I watched it before through pirated DVDs (please don't jail me) where the end credits would be cut off probably to save space, plus I kind of stopped watching in the fourth or fifth season. So recently I re-watched it on Netflix (legally! I really pay for my subscription, ha!) and, boy what a relatively great decision I made! The little gems called Chuck Lorre Production Vanity Cards stirred me into wanting to write again.

One of Chuck Lorre's vanity cards in TBBT

You see, these vanity cards are just short whatnots at the end of every episode, but dang, they were funny! Now I admit I am not even half as funny as Chuck Lorre, but he sure made me want to go back to writing. I mean, Lorre writes just about ANYTHING in his vanity cards: production anecdotes, personal musings, wild imaginations, etc. So I thought, if he can write in short bursts, maybe I can too!

So I am now reviving this blog for the sake of my personal musings. The beauty of this blog is that not too many people follows this (unlike my Facebook account which a lot of my students follow); I could somehow post just about anything I want without fear of students reading HAHAHA 😂.

I am coming back. 💓