First Day Chronicles

First days had always been a struggle for me. 

When I was in kindergarten, the first day of school was scary as shit. It was the first time I am left alone with no one I know with me. I remember that I almost cried that day, but stopped myself when I saw another kid cry and it was really squeamish. 

Fourth grade. It was my first time enrolling in a public school. I think my mom laid me on a little bit too much to my teachers. The first day was particularly beleaguering. I kept feeling my adviser's eyes on me. I kind of felt like I had to be this perfect little private school-bred lady: quiet, prim, and proper. Which I am, on most levels, definitely NOT.

The first day in high school was a good blend of scary and enchanting (though mostly tipping on scary). I was so used to small buildings from my elementary school that the "towering" four-storey buildings felt suffocating, yet so captivating, as if my dreams of fairytale teenage life were just some winks away. Maybe I'll get bullied. Maybe a senior will take notice of me and be my knight in shining armor. Maybe not just one senior will take notice. Maybe a varsity player will make me his muse. Maybe I'll be this school's "it" girl. (For the record, only one of these maybe's happened: I got bullied. No senior, not even a batchmate, really took notice. Our school did not have a varsity team. I was borderline nerdy and sooo not "it" girl material. High school was in no way like the movies, to my imperceptible dismay.) Those dreams which, not even one day into high school, got shattered by me tripping over the metal drainage grates along the side of the gym what with my too big black leather shoes, and by me getting noticed all for unpleasant reasons what with my too big baggy shirt. It was quite telling of how chaotic my high school  life would somehow become.

Take the "scary and enchanting" bit of first day in high school and multiply that for about a thousand times. That was how the first day inside the university felt (again, tipping more on scary). It was not formal classes yet, just an orientation. And although I had one of my best high school buddies with me as a blockmate, I still wasn't able to shake that feeling of "littleness" (ironic, considering how tall I am). There was just something about the century-old, massive-land-area, country's top university in the heart of a bustling city that makes you feel severely insignificant despite all your earlier achievements. This feeling of insignificance was heightened even more during the first day of class. For the first time in my student life, I felt like I was the dumbest inside the classroom. Just my first university classmates' stances were enough for me to know that the honors I received prior to university are merely shams. No real bearing. No real worth.

The first day I stopped studying, I was like a ghost floating aimlessly. I had so many questions in mind which revolved into just a huge one: What the f-ck went wrong with me? 

The first day back to college, when I decided it's time to straighten the f-ck up, I was doubly awkward. It was like fourth grade all over again. Some professors knew I came from a premier university, so I felt their watchful eyes, bordering on judgment and amusement. I was already aboard a luxury ship, why descend to lowly bangka? Some classmates knew I came from a premier university, so I felt their even more watchful eyes. Why am I here? (Couple of months later, I learned that I wasn't alone: some classmates were in the same situation as I, which, honestly, made my transition to "doubly awkward" to "quite confident" smoother than I have imagined.)

The first day after college graduation was anxiety-inducing. It was the end of life as I knew it and the beginning of life as I'll know it. I am no longer merely a student. I'll be part of a workforce. I'll be an adult really acting as an adult. While employment after graduation wasn't really of question (I was hired weeks prior), the thought of meeting another set of people to come to terms with once again scared me.

Dangerously treading on hypocrisy, I guess, started on the first day of my first job. This was the first time I had attended something deeply religious for years. Deep in my heart, I knew, how I felt during this particular first day foreshadowed how my sojourn there generally went about: light-hearted doused with pretense.

The first day of the community quarantine was the start of five months — probably more? I stopped counting — of uncertainty. While it almost coincided with my most awaited end of contract, I did not picture it the way it unfolded. I had already imagined how I would say goodbye to my lovely students, how I would say sorry if I was not as loving and guiding towards them as I would have wanted to be, how I would tell them that I'd really appreciate it if they'll choose to let me stay in their hearts even a little bit more than the school year. Alas, COVID ruined that. As I don't really do well in impersonal goodbyes, I felt like I'll never be able to move on from something that I have not literally waved goodbye to.

Now, it is my first day as a public school teacher. It is extremely different with how I had imagined it to be when I passed the board exam. COVID prompted all schools to delay the start of classes, as well as to utilize a skeletal workforce. The prospect of me being the only new teacher at this school is terrifying. The fact that I am away from people I am already comfortable being with makes this first day despairing. The nearly-empty corridors make this first day even scarier than all the other first days I had so far. I am lost yet I have exactly no one and everyone to guide me. I am lonely yet I have exactly no one and everyone to be with me. 

First days have always been a struggle for me.

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You, young one

Hey.

I saw you change your profile and cover photos on Facebook. Does it mean there's something new in your life you'll be venturing in? Or are you just sharing an old passion to everyone when you used to be too shy to show it? 

Don't get me wrong, I am not stalking you. Your profile updates just passed by my newsfeed. I didn't even bother to react to it when I saw it, as I was always wont to do when I see posts that speak to me (I'm a reactor, you see). 

But some things hit me just a little bit late. 

I don't know how, probably half a day after I saw your updates, it got me smiling. Real smiling. Maybe it's because I have seen you rendered voiceless when you were forced to sing in front of hundreds. Maybe it's because I have heard you stutter when you were confronted by people you fear. Maybe it's because I have seen you cry and be vulnerable with your closest buddies. Maybe it's because I have seen you timidly cover your face with your hand when you have to face people. Or maybe you got me wishing I was like you.

You see, when I was your age, I never had the talent that you have: I cannot draw, I cannot sing, and for the love of God, I cannot play any instrument. When I was your age, I never had the fashion sense that you have: shirts and jeans were my only life. When I was your age, I never had the aesthetic appreciation that you have. When I was your age, I never had the sense of individuality that you have oozing out of you, despite that surface introversion. 

Yet here you are right now, on the brink of doing things I only wish I could have done when I was your age. Funny how the young often makes the old realize how their youth had un-satisfyingly gone by, eh? (Yes, at 27, I funnily feel old, dear.)

Whatever it is you desire to be, I only have one wish for you and all the other students I have loved and will still love, that is, I wish you do not waste your youth. I never want you to grow old and look back at your life with so many what-ifs and unfulfilled wishes. 

Keep doing what your heart desires, so long as you're not breaking any rules. Keep loving, keep hurting, keep feeling. Keep singing, at the top of your lungs, the tunes of youthful exuberance. Keep strumming the chords of youthful melancholia, never mind the calloused fingers it may cause. Keep dressing in youthful colors, no matter how rainbow-ish you might look. Keep your artfulness. Keep your music. And keep being just you.

I will just be here, at a distance in space and probably in time, proud of what an inspiring individual you have set yourself to become.

Always here, 

Ma'am Bern 💗

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Freeze the #AcademicFreeze

I get it, we are all adjusting. Students, teachers, parents, other stakeholders - we are are all shocked by the sudden change in education brought about by COVID-19 pandemic. But let us weigh in several factors before jumping into the trend that is #AcademicFreezeNow. Because, like it or not, students and teachers are not the only people involved in education.

ACADEMIC FREEZE - PROS

• Safer from virus
• It's easy: No classes of any kind, no physical contacts aside from family (ideally). Teachers will not have to report to school (some schools with online class platforms still require their teachers to come to school). Parents will not have to commute to pick up learning modules. Students will not have to make rakets big or small in order to finance their online classes needs. Basically, no real reason to go out and risk contacting COVID-19 aside from catering to the very basic needs during an academic freeze.
• More time to get ready
• DepEd and CHED both are JUST. NOT. GROUND-LEVEL. READY. FOR. DISTANCE. LEARNING. There, I've said it. I have seen firsthand how teachers struggle to learn how to navigate through technology despite a gazillion of webinars made available online. I have read some modules distributed online by teachers and school heads are just not proofread thoroughly (and who can even forget that DepEd test broadcast fiasco?). I have attended webinars that underwent difficulties due to intermittent internet connection (same would basically happen in an online class). Teachers are not going to be able to relearn and adapt to new ways of doing their jobs in just a matter of months. Quality education will not be assured by sub-par modules as alternative learning materials. Finally, unless PLf---ingDT, Globe f----ing Telecom, and other internet service providers actually provide us with the internet service we pay for, online classes will just be a vacuous farce. A time-bound academic freeze will give more time for everyone involved to address these needs for a quality distance learning.
• Economic and social relief of certain degree for families
• In every social media posts vehemently pushing for an Academic Freeze, there sure will be statements there along the lines of, "Pambili na nga lang ng pagkain, ipanglo-load pa" or "Hindi lahat ay conducive ang bahay o pamilya para sa pag-aaral" or "Handa ang ibang ibaba ang dignidad para maitawid ang pang-online class." [It is my understanding that most of these posts come from college students since CHED did not really give other options for tertiary education to continue other than thru online learning]. An academic freeze sure can help families focus their meager budget on basic necessities amidst the pandemic.
• Mental health break
• Living through a pandemic is already really shitty enough as it is. Having additional tasks for mere compliance with would really take a toll both on the learners and on the teachers. In some schools that have already started online classes, I have seen learners struggle to comply with an average of 4-5 unique learning tasks per week per subject!! (Not including quizzes and self-reflection activities). Multiply that to 7-9 subjects they enrolled in, so that's about 28-45 unique tasks per week! In the face-to-face set up, never have I ever seen a student accomplish such mountain of school tasks in a week (even when I was the student). It is pretty much the same scenario with the teachers. Teachers, on top of developing lessons in platforms they are not familiar with, will have to check thousands of outputs submitted by their learners (this is especially taxing with modular approach), and do loads of clerical work on their own. In the face-to-face set up, teachers can actually assign some of their clerical work (like checking of attendance, or checking of assignments) to responsible volunteer students. I can only imagine all the stress and anxiety these workloads for students and teachers alike would cause amidst the hovering problem of a global pandemic.

ACADEMIC FREEZE - CONS

• Unemployment of private school employees
• Teachers are not the only employees of private schools. There are counselors, registrars, clerks, accountants, IT workers, maintenance and security personnel to consider. In the event of an academic freeze, private school owners will not have the financial source to continue employing these people. Since the pandemic hit the Philippines, a number of small private schools have already declared bankruptcy, leaving their employees unemployed at a time when finding employment is much elusive. An academic freeze will only further the unemployment rate of the country, leaving more families struggling financially.
• Unemployment of people from industries that cater to education
• When we talk of education, our viewpoint should not stop in schools. For education to flourish, schools have to seek industries that cater to their cause. These industries may include, but not limited to, publishing houses, LMS providers, training institutes, and supplemental product makers. With an academic freeze, these industries will have no clients, consequently, no need for employees. As with the case with private schools laying off employees during an academic freeze, this will only add up to our country's already failing unemployment rate.
• Widening the gap between rich and poor
• I have seen several posts advocating for an academic freeze saying that continuing the school year will further widen the gap between the rich and the poor because of digital divide. I beg to disagree. Suppose an academic freeze pushes through here in the country. The rich will have the option instead to enroll on online platforms of schools abroad. They can continue their formal schooling. They can continue learning. They can move forward. Meanwhile the poor who depends on the government education programs for their schooling will remain in their current place. They'll be stuck in being uneducated. Then rich and ambitious opportunists will take advantage of the poor who remained uneducated. (Okay, I'm getting really far-fetched here but I do hope you see the picture). At least with modules and TV/radio broadcast options, the poor can still have access to formal education and the gap in education brought by the digital divide will be narrower.
• Anxiety due to schooling delays
• Some supporters of academic freeze would like to suspend any schooling activities until  the country has already won against the pandemic. The question though is, WHEN WILL THAT HAPPEN?? With the incompetent, deaf-and-blind, government leadership we have now, can we truly expect Philippines to win against COVID-19 anytime soon? For all we know, this could last for several years. What will happen to those who expect to graduate from their dream courses in a year or two? Those whose target scholarship grants rely on them finishing their schooling as soon as possible? How about those children who were caught doing their homeworks under the light of fastfood chains and book shops, how anxious would they be if their schooling stops abruptly because of reasons they cannot take control of? Anxiety due to schooling delays is as real and as burdensome as anxiety due to loads of required school work.
• Little to no guided work for most school-age children
• Part of the mandate of state-funded basic education is to teach at least basic reading, writing, and arithmetic to school-age children. To ensure their learning, it is especially crucial not to delay schooling for very young children as this is the time when literacy and numeracy is being developed. Delays in learning will have a negative compounding effect in the latter years. In an event of an academic freeze, there will be little to no guided work for most school-age children dedicated for their learning. Those who have access to gadgets and the internet will consume a lot more unhealthy screen time with no impact on their development. On the other hand, those underprivileged children will not even consider finding resources for learning (which the government could have provided to them for free) as it is not their priority. As such, we could expect a steeper decline in the level of reading comprehension and numeracy skills of younger Filipinos than what we had right before the pandemic struck.

MY STAND?

I actually used to support academic freeze. But after trying to weigh in more realities into my opinion, I now think, far more sectors will be adversely affected by an academic freeze compared to continuing the school year. There is no 100% "good" way to solve this education dilemma we have now. Whichever way our government goes with this, there will be people who are negatively affected, but then again, I'd rather choose fewer sectors suffer. The harsh reality is, education is so much more than students and teachers. Just because they are finding it hard to go through the "new normal" does NOT mean we should not carry on with the school year. 

WHAT CAN WE DO INSTEAD?

• #LigtasNaBalikEskwela
• Instead of calling for a freeze, call out instead our bird-brained government officials to ensure a safe school year. How? Make them do mass testing and contact tracing, and make them secure a better health system (yes, we've been trying to bludgeon them into these for moooooonths now but please do not stop). Call out the government, especially the Department of Health, to give us a highly competent pandemic response. Implore them to listen to experts and not their nonsensical egos. Call for better budget allocation (wag nang i-defend yung white sand ng Manila Bay please!). Petition for quality personal hygiene facilities in schools even way before letting kids physically come back to school. 
• If you are a student, change your stupid mindset on school tasks
• Try to not look at your school tasks as just another stressors in your already stressful life. Your mindset should be "I should do this to learn" and not "I should do this to pass." You might complain of having loads of assignments, but I bet half of your assignments can actually be done in less than 15 minutes if you really give your mind into it. Gaya nga ng laging sinasabi ng nanay ko, "Obey first before you complain." You might surprise yourself.
• If you are a teacher, change your stupid mindset on assigning tasks
• Yours is not the only subject your students are dealing with. Wag masyadong pa-major sa dami ng ipapagawa. Quantity of tasks does not necessarily equate to quality of learning. Now, if your superior is requiring you to give a certain number of tasks to your student, why not take a big task, and break it into "chunks" so that it will look like it is a lot of tasks already. I got this idea from one of the teachers of a student I am tutoring right now. They are required to give students 4 sets of required tasks. What the teacher did was he gave a reading activity. Set 1 of the required task is reading a story, Set 2 is listing the characters down, Set 3 is summarizing the story through a plot line, and Set 4 is reflection. See, instead of cramming all these into just one task with follow up questions, he divided them into smaller, more easily achievable tasks. Another way of lessening tasks is by collaborating with teachers from other subjects and see if you can integrate at least two subjects into one task. My co-teachers and I have done this several times during face-to-face classes, so we could probably make this work, too, in new normal setting.

TL;DR I do not support Academic Freeze. To me the cons outweigh the pros. We can direct our voices onto other things to improve the current education situation instead.